growing up

I turn 21 soon. I'm not sure about it.

I love having a late birthday and being the youngest of my friends, and I love that people know I'm young and therefore overall just a bit crap... its almost just like well I feel like I can get away with being unsure, naive, shallow etc... but soon I wont be able to.

My boyfriend is three years older than me... and while that’s not really much older he’s lived tougher, grown up faster and doesn’t still get an allowance.

I suppose he can be a bit tough on me cause I’m such a ‘princess’... However it is all warranted.

Over the last year I’ve gone from being obsessed with having millions of friends and wanting everyone to love me to instead just caring about those who are important and in a way culling a few... especially boys who I’ve realised didn’t really care about me in the way I cared for them, and instead loved the idea of being with me momentarily. No bloody thank you.

The past few months I have learnt a lot about myself and realised how desperate I am to get married and start a family. I just am unsure about whether I want them for the right reasons or because I am petrified of the idea of working and making something of myself for myself... without the help of everyone around me.

I guess I have realised that I am not independent...and never have been. I am 20, lived out of home for 4 months and still can’t do it and have to go home every week to see my parents.

They had it tough and while they believe it’s important to do it tough and be poor and make mistakes along the way they also know I am precious and highly emotional and take some responsibility of bringing me up in a privileged community where I was given every opportunity that existed. Therefore... they still give me everything which I am very grateful for.

I guess time will tell and hopefully in the next six months I can work out what I want to do with my life, or at least learn to live without the financial help from my parents.

As for now I am living down here to support my boyfriend with Uni so I could be here another 4 years. Because that’s what you do when you are absolutely entirely in love with someone and never want to live apart from them.